free from dreary shackles

Barcelona and its swirling colours

2008-06-17T12:09:00.004+08:00

park guell and all its colourful mosiac + stones

and more gaudi alongside his eccentric yet amazing architecture

other spanishy looking architecture

paper pieces marching nuisance

2008-06-17T11:42:00.004+08:00

life as we all know is turbulent as hell and through its ups and downs, there is always hope? the question mark exists because till today, i do not know if i'm more hopeful or skeptical.

but ive had the worst few months of my life recently; ironically also the best. But good never triumphs and so all in all, the last few months have been bone and heart crushing. ive lost many things i still think means a lot and ive never felt so dejected, so small and so lost ever before. The tears i shed I think are enough to last a lifetime and till now, i have no fucking idea how i got through all that shit. But i'm glad i did and that some good did come out of it. I'm just glad.

if there is something i learnt the past few months, the biggest would be that all good things that happen in life is a lie. it gives you this temporal happiness, fills you up with warmth and hope and then when you least expect it, it is snatched away as easily and life as you know, turns dark and clammy. So sadly, whenever something good happens, ive learnt to savour the moment preparing to let it go as easily as it came. I still think my life is a lie so i'm something like a hologram.

im still as uncertain as ever but i doubt im ever the same.

hello earth! sorry for my temporary demise

2008-04-28T06:19:00.003+08:00

its been a long while and much has happened and stayed the same.

law ball
been lazing around
been to spain and back
mac hard drive crashed
nights out now and then
am still without a laptop
room is still a terrible mess
weather got brighter and warmer
ive been going to the gym once a week
eating non-stop to make up for the gym

still gloomy about birthday. No plans, nothing to do, no contact, no fun.
address still the same, bigger hint now, cards and presents i like!
but im a ba pao and im happy.

since this isnt my laptop and i'm dying to post a picture. here goes random.
ahaha! whatabuncha poser nerds.

i hope you prefer happy faces =)

2008-02-27T18:01:00.000+08:00

pardon the previous post; they say desperate times call for desperate measures and surprise surprise; i was feeling that gross pathetic emotion when i wrote that angsty post.

alls good for now
i survived my first natural disaster last night and so it brings forth the idea that i would survive more crap that would probably come. February is ending so viola. plants are budding so yeah, i'm good.

I'm missing home and this is a desperate hint that someone's birthday is coming (2may). No plans to journey back home sadly because a ticket alone would wipe out the cost of holding a bash. So hopefully some (if not all =)) dear friends would put on their thinking caps and make a sad lonely girl happy. This by the way is coming from someone else with gargantuan hide skin. Its a little like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde here or Mr Jekyll and Dr. Hyde. (aiyah. the guy who looks like frankenstein when he isnt normal) so if anyone wants to do any online shopping, or to send some love, the postal address is.

Room 84, Ellerslie Hall
30/34 Lyddon Terrace
Leeds LS2 9LQ
United Kingdom

I know some are funny; some are witty but any attempt to vandalise my name; to make my name look anything different from what it really is; my hall can be quite a prick and i may not get whatever love that is meant to be sent.

hah! cant wait to see all you pretty nice happy faces in June/July/August/September!
But; Birthday is in May okay. Mother says that I cannot celebrate birthday late unless I want to send myself to the Gods earlier. Life may be shit now, but i believe it would be good in due course. So I have absolutely no plans on joining the skies any time soon. =)

Happy post; think happy =D
Much love.
courtesy of moron who know not of lomo

because successful lomo pics are meant to be shared

2008-02-27T16:45:00.000+08:00

when i see you, i really see you upside down

2008-02-25T19:12:00.002+08:00

WHERE ARE YOU?
WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL OF YOU!

I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.
OF ALL TIMES, NOW!

my doldrums in winter

2008-02-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

for me and some of my friends,

since years ago.
February's always the worst month in the entire year.

Besides being plagued with an exceptionally long winter; snowed heaviest a week ago
the temperature dropped to a negative 10 just when i was starting to believe that things were warming up. I woke up groggy one morning opening my laptop and seeing all the exclamations about thick snow and i was like. wha? no. not possible. not now! it was 9 deg the day before! i pressed f12 and while i was in partial disbelief, the -4 deg on my widget started processing in my brain as i opened the curtain to see thick great blankets of white.

Being friends of mine, you probably know that i hate snow.

my heartstrings got tugged time and again this month and while i keep having these major relapses, hopes of better days diminish with each recoil. bust ups are no fun with those especially close and while you pray and wish that things will fall back into place, the icy cold pierces you yet again and there you go; another slide back. I hate being this wreck that I am now but things are simply not looking up for me at least. Not in the near future. Sadly.

February's the loneliest month for me apart for being the worst.
while you try keeping up the faith, you know that it would eventually consume you.
in any case, how much worse can it get? its already the absolute pits.

perhaps come march, the spring days will look much warmer; the sun will start shining brighter.

i hate those memories

2008-02-18T06:42:00.003+08:00

those large and tiny pictorial pieces,
all pieces of that mosiac you've mentally formed.

you want to stop looking, but you cant.

it draws you deeper
upsets you furthur
then you wish
you never had a part.

im so suffocated with nostalgia i cant breathe i cant speak i cant focus i want to shut everything out

2008-02-13T06:09:00.000+08:00

and again, i miss home quite much.

all these familiar paths

their love shallow but yours unfortunately deep

2008-02-09T11:11:00.000+08:00

im sleepy and tired.

had heaps of pancakes today some weirder than the rest. mushrooms + nutella? hah! now, i smell like butter and some pancake factory.

on a random note, my facebook account got hijacked again and some bloody moron added a whole big bunch of people thinking he was using his account.

then people started commenting on how i should have grown a big thick moustache.

so, who do you reckon looks better with that black shit?

edgar; shut up. =D

the reason why im often so =(

2008-02-03T08:19:00.001+08:00

HELLO MY DEAR DEAR FRIENDS
who have already or is going to celebrate their 21st!

It kills me to not be able to be there. And I feel like utter rubbish and crap because I really BADLY want to be there. BUT, I CANT.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I MISS YOU ALL LOADS!
I REALLY CANT WAIT to be home! I'm not happy and I really wish I had YOU guys somewhere close around me!

so yes, while you enjoy your birthdays, chinese new year, valentines day and all happily without me, i hope somewhere somehow, you're still thinking about me. OKAY OKAY! I CANT WAIT TO GO HOME! Please email me, send me stuff, call me, talk to me! SEE YOU SOON!

what i actually do most of the time now.

i'm sick and tired of these shit here

2008-01-29T05:10:00.000+08:00

truth hurts truth sucks. we never want to hear the things we never like to hear. but rarely, when we do get a glimpse of the ins and outs, we close our ears and eyes sometimes and hope that the gut we are so used to believing is rubbish leading us on false pretense. but then we already hear and we already know the truth so we can no longer pretend that the gut we used to have is unreal.

i still can't understand how humans can be so self centered, so assuming and so judgmental. So closed minded, so heartless and so hypocritical. But it is what it is and we sometimes fall prey to these 'predators' who work on us, on our minds to possibly try to make themselves feel strong, high and mighty, to divert attention to the weakness of others, or to simply destroy someone else.

such a sad dog eat dog world. it turns humans into cruel and pitiful individuals.

but we all get a chance to pay our dues don't we?

(^*&^&$^$%@%

2008-01-24T07:33:00.000+08:00

Thanks to bloody joker.
look at my current bloody background!

AINT THAT SWELL?

swear i just got the shock of my life

2008-01-24T05:46:00.000+08:00

Heath Ledger died.
I damn stunned and surprised!
BIG SIGHS!

say it's possible

2008-01-23T06:26:00.000+08:00

hello once again

2008-01-23T04:56:00.000+08:00

two weeks flew by just like that and just like that ive been sleeping, getting up only to eat, sitting by my computer only to watch a shot at love, then be exhausted so i go back to bed.

coming online now, im feeling exhausted yet again. im done with watching those bloody time consuming brain degenerating rubbish shows about how screwed up people try to choose and decide who or what they love. testing them and making them wade through chocolate and chowing down testicles and balls. its damn sick and i feel nauseated just looking at it.

love is big. bigger than all that and these silly shows try to show that love is possible in the oddest situations and that one can fall in love with 16 other people in a matter of weeks. what bullshit. i hate watching rubbish shows but they're more fun than reading law books so help me!

okay. now, i go clean room. i'll mia less from now. hee!

tugging my heartstrings

2008-01-19T22:56:00.001+08:00

seriously, i dont know about the rest of the seasons but season one and two of grey's anatomy have got like super duper ultra good quotes.

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great.
But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big
'pretend to like your taste in music
let you eat the last piece of cheesecake
hold a radio over my head outside your window'

unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.

So pick me, choose me, love me.

sigh. eyeballs man eyeballs. i cant wait to watch the rest of the show! =)

2008-01-13T23:58:00.001+08:00

ho ho!
to kill time, we write and we type!

64 words

free Touch typing

now, im googling recipes because i crave singaporean food. SIGH!

absolute zero

2008-01-13T05:17:00.000+08:00

theres so much i miss about home.
the comfort, the assurance, the food, my family, my friends
exams are over, i find myself thinking much too much about all that i have back there
i wish i was home

not that everything is bad here. its just indefinate.
being unsure makes everything more scary
at least, it is quite like that with me.

then again
i miss my sis and her big dreams which i am so proud of.

i so not happy

2008-01-10T04:54:00.000+08:00

hooray. exams over.

i however. not happy.
paper shit. brain block.
now. feverish sick.
this not fun. at all.
bloated. fat. pukey.
quite want. home.

i'm tired of you, i'm tired of all this uncertainty.
i'm tired of feeling second best, tired of looking like a used tissue.
i'm tired of selfishness, tired of all the little shit you put me through.

white dandruff looking little fluffs.

2008-01-05T17:17:00.001+08:00

I woke up two days ago with my curtains drawn and my room temperature comparable to the weather on our sunny island. I rubbed my eyes, put on my glasses, trudged out of bed and onto my table where i opened up my laptop. Like some routine, my fingers tapped the F12 button and on my screen i saw the date, straits times interactive, uk time, sg time, topshop daily fix and lo and behold! -2deg! imediately, i pounced on my bed, opened the curtain and viola! i saw those flakey white looking stuff swishing down from the sky. I sat there for another hour or so, watching it turn into a blizzard, gazing at such a pretty sight. Then decided it was time to head to the bank to settle some stuff. I brought my lomo out and there we go! =) pretty.
i have yet to master the skills of my lomo but by the looks of it, it aint too bad right?

but, nothing changes the fact that, snow = pretty but shitty. Many of those who know me, will know that I've never been too excited to see snow. That annoying wet patch that makes you wet. Gives you flat and just washed hair, that blocks your vision when you try to walk with it. That signifies the dead of winter, coldest of colds. Though it may also mean that the start of pretty spring is near, nothing can change the fact that it makes you annoyed, grumpy and frumpy. I think the change of seasons is something quite beautiful and amazing but i'm someone who gets stuck in the moment pretty easily so changes to me are shitty. While change may be the only constant in our lives (something, i am still trying to deal with), it serves as a reminder that we ought to treasure each moment like its our last because when we wake up the next day, it will be like the snow covering the walkways and the trees. We do not know when we'll see the ground un-snow-laden again. Kudos to nature and beauty along with my winter filled grumpiness.

stuff i cant figure

2008-01-03T16:28:00.000+08:00

i cant help but really feel and believe that i'm living the biggest lie ever

oh this remind me of happy days

2008-01-01T23:56:00.000+08:00

the wonders of OLD photobooth.

we laugh, we screech, we do silly things and talk non stop. then we fight, we cry and throw bitch fits others can ever imagine.

then later, along came leopard and the wonders of NEW photo booth!

better features and good for cam whores like us who are forever so full of shit. squeezing four pictures into one thus saving space!

we travelled to paris and back all in a night!

then we took a roller coaster and swam along fishes!
(note the animated background!)

and then! old features of stretch and pop art still exists making the wonders of photobooth even more wonderful.

wish i had more pictures to illustrate my amazement but non else now so more next time!

i'll update soon

2007-12-31T18:12:00.000+08:00

im back in the warm comforts of my room at ellerslie but i feel empty. 21 hours ago i remember laughing at my sis as the tears rolled down her wet cheeks, then telling my brother that his breath stinks therefore i refuse to hug him. Then i remember telling Kimpong that he's morphing into my mom because he kept demonstrating how i should carry my bag to prevent pickpocket and thieves alike from targeting me. These tiny little words, tiny little actions are not so small and puny. These are all the little acts of love and care and is what brings me home time after time.

The end of too-tau-zen-seh-van is fast approaching and i really cant help but stop and marvel at all my flashbacks. It was such a beautiful year for me and possibly one of the best. it would be virtually impossible for me to list everything here so i shall just end it all and say. whoa. =)

need to check letters, need to find subwardens, need to find ellerslie office staff, need to head to town, need to bathe, need to unpack, need to write essay, need to study for exams.

Happy New Year!
i miss home =(

attention!

2007-12-28T16:48:00.001+08:00

red and blue

2007-12-25T23:21:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas! =)

look at my favourite gift! (which ive been eyeing for some time)

I had one of the most wonderful christmas eve ever. Even though dinner plans with my family were a little messed up as I ended up having microwaved lasagne, the logcake wasn't so bad. Even though plans were made to watch movie, then to chill in town and then finally holland v, I had a really good time eventually and managed to spend the first few minutes of Christmas day with people who have come a long way with me and also whos company I enjoy.

First few hours of Christmas was one of the best ever but it always sucks to say goodbye to people who mean something to you. Parting is such sweet sorrow but it always brings forth hope for something new. That is, when you guys next meet also if you're hopeful enough to believe. Time is short though. I leave this coming Sunday which brings me to something else.

Ive had days where I feel so horrid because I start to miss things that are not there or things that I will miss because they will not be there. I'm happy to the extent that I start being upset because happiness is in a way, bittersweet. Because of that, I teared like mad throughout the entire day and cried at some point. I really think that i'm quite weak and fragile sometimes. Probably because i'm never ever to withhold all my emotions. I try to remain stoic but it is a formidable task because freedom of expression is beauty. I miss Singapore, my friends and family already and thinking of my departure on Sunday really breaks my heart. I want to be strong and not cry like last time but I fear this would be worst. Its only 5 days into my departure and the tears are starting to roll.

I remember crying all the way to the departure gate. Stopping only because of the check. Crying some more on the plane, till I nodded off. When I reached Amsterdam, I cried again whilst waiting for my transit because I felt so alone and sad. Then I fought off all my tears till I reached Leeds where I cried myself to sleep at night.

I'm such a crybaby but now, I really am upset. I don't want to go back to Leeds! Its worst if i'm alone. I really do feel quite alone.

its not like i dont know you know

2007-12-21T00:59:00.000+08:00

it has been raining the past week but not a single drop on my parade.
this can possibly be my best festive week ever simply because of all the fun ive had. Its all these simple face to face conversations I love best.

Ive had simple lunches with people really close to my heart, happy dinners with the long losts, drinks with some i miss a lot, supper with those who mean so much, movies where i sat along side people ive never felt more at ease with and the runny happy honey warmth that is running through my veins is this feeling that is so unmistakable.

some people tell me that i talk too much, some say that they've never heard me talk this much, others think that i should take a break and breathe sometimes. but i like all the jabbering conversations ive had this past week. Speaking like a crazy mad woman sometimes allow all these release of pent up thoughts, emotions and the works.

i'm pretty much pleased with everything despite the fact that there exists so many uncertainties of the mind and the heart and whilst we talk about things to hopefully find answers, we never know anything for sure thats why we cover everything with mud and smile like nothing else matters. it is sometimes hard for all of us to perpetually live behind this exterior but if answers are not given, we cant exactly expect ourselves to sit around and mope. it is so tough carrying unnecessary weight on your shoulders but it is inevitable given the differences in human nature.

maybe, possibly, what do you think, i think you know, you mean you dont know
are all like those vague
-blank face-, *grins*, ~no response~

to questions that need answers. what is a question when there are no answers? if everything was so straightforward and easy. there wouldnt be a need for questions which is essentially to me, the bane to all human frustrations. Our insecurities plague us like locusts to crops and sometimes, we only need accurate answers to alleviate our sufferings (w.r.t the big question mark). they may not be what we want to hear but at least they answer our questions, crush our dreams so that another new door can open. I'm not a fan of bone crushing breath restricting answers but i always like to have in my heart that other big dream of hope. there are afterall many paths to take in life and while it may seem scary to explore the unchartered boundaries, i believe it always pays off because we never know for sure that the new route could be something better, something happier.

i'm happy i have the liberty to wander along the ungraveled path. it may not be what i want to see but at least i got something out of that wrong turn. its human nature for us to be always be afraid but im glad i came out of my shell and told people tis, i know.

2007-12-18T23:27:00.000+08:00

so exhausted and drained from going out.
but it isn't even mid week yet.

law books are seriously the remedy for the sleepless.
i read a page and napped 3 hours.

ellen i miss you! haha!

2007-12-17T02:08:00.000+08:00

i havent been eating as much as i'd like to eat
i havent been shopping as much as i'd like to shop.

but, whenever i think about how i'm left with two weeks, a certain part of me starts to clam up and this voice in my head says. GO GO GO CALL THEM OUT YOU BLOODY ASS NOOB! so yes. i'd really like for us to meet up once. before i head back to the uk for my exams, for travel, for school, for easter and my birthday.

ive moped for almost an entire week and like summer that has taken up almost 1/3 of my time here. a leopard never changes its spots and i will forever be so lazy so static and impassive. whilst im finally starting to feel the festive cheer tingling in me. my occasional ho ho ho burst up never quite feel the same. i miss the turkey i had for lunch/dinner 4 days straight at the refactory.

that being said. UK is now cold, dreary and going back would mean that the exams are round the corner. so whoopeedo. i like the occasional sun and warmth in Singapore. I cant wait to be well and to start feasting!

2007-12-15T03:10:00.000+08:00

i'm not happy.

need laxatives for my constipation

2007-12-12T22:13:00.001+08:00

somehow,
everything feels a little different this time round.
the skies are gloomier, the ground is often splotched with puddles of water big and small. Now and then, you get gusts of spine tingling winds that blow in your direction (never like Leeds but its still different) and the atmosphere is just different. I spent only one Christmas away, was away from home the past three months and it feels as if so much has changed and that life has taken on a different nuance.

cant exactly say that im happy neither can i say that im sad. i'm just in limbo as i always am. I suppose this would mean that i'm appeased for the moment but now not so. ive been back for two days but i feel incredulously void. which is weird because i'm used to being independent and relying on myself. Now, i wish I had people around me for me to occupy their time and vice versa. It is really very weird because I normally scorn at parasites who whine and attention seek, who brazenly ask for things which I feel are not necessary but now I feel as if im falling into that category.

This may stem from the changes which occurred in Leeds I guess. With everyone so far away and somewhat distant, I sort of went into hiding and this being the festive period, I think about all the fun I used to have and I start missing it and disliking the wall I built. It may also be because the past three months had been a blur for me. I hardly built up any relationships with anyone, spoken to anyone from sg online. thus bigger the whole notion of the forgotten. i love Christmas and i love my friends which is why i really want to reconcile my fondness of the two spheres.

I'm turning 21 in a few months and I wouldn't be in Singapore. i've always wanted to spend that day with all the most important people in my life. I want to spend that birthday with the friends I love but it would never be so. It upsets me but I hardly have a choice. This holiday would be the closest we can get to that big bang but it seems as if i'm the only one grappling that issue. How would you feel if you spent your 21st away from the people you love? Would it ever matter to you that whatever close time you could have, you ought to make full use of it to make it the very best? I guess I cant expect to celebrate my birthday 5 months early. I just want more time with people. I want to feel as if i'm thought of and cared more. I hate playing second fiddle and it sucks to feel semi important.

I miss many things, many things I cannot say. Its hard to spell out and my verbal diahrroea will never do it justice. One chain will probably lead to another whole barrage of questions emanating from all the doubts that I have. I'll leave it here for now. At least, it clears up most of the sticky issues I have up my ars.

2007-12-10T04:48:00.000+08:00

hello you. im coming home and im not the very least excited.
why you must wonder.

well lets see.
-i'm very sick. got the flu, fever, giddiness
-no appetite whatsoever
-i got pickpocketed in london and therefore have nothing to my name.
-my bank card comes in a week but i wouldnt be here to collect it

im very upset.

get the hell out of it.

2007-12-03T22:44:00.001+08:00

Im getting quite annoyed and possibly angry of stuff thats been going on around this part of town. Too many changes i'm not used too. Too much uncertainty for my paranoid soul. I cannot help but look around and think about what i'm missing or whatever is out.

I do not know if these changes are due to all the anxieties because of stress, because of the ending term or if its simply something like the falling leaves I see fluttering down from that tree outside my window. In any case, I hate it, i'm annoyed and im getting more pissed as I think about it.

What I really want to say I suppose is that I don't really give a shit if others think i'm some paranoid, over dramatic, stingy annoying vindictive crackhead whos too damn lazy to give a damn, whos so irresponsible it annoys the shit out of others but no. I cannot possibly not give a damn so there you go. Everything can just whizz around, fly by and away and I could just walk around smiling like a repulsive idiot and things can happily fall into place isn't it. I mean, that is how everything works right. Just smile your fucking whiles away.

I'm quite insignificant and useless.

The arrangement sucks.
The weather sucks.
Almost every other thing sucks too.

bits of little stuffs really

2007-12-02T13:40:00.000+08:00

what a twat really!
my itchy fingers to my bones forced me to wander off when i decided to turn on my mac, go on facebook, read some slut's blog and be on a rampage at 5:30am in the morning when really, i ought to be tucked in my bed safe and soundly asleep.

The bloody screaming voices of alll the drunkards on the bus is still ringing in my head as i'm filled with bewilderment. Seriously, leaving Birmingham after 48 hours of booze and insanity is really the craziest thing ever. To give a breakdown of the day. basically, everyone woke up hungover, gathered and proceeded on for a pubcrawl after which went clubbing at Birmingham uni's own club which really was rubbish considered to the clubs in Leeds uni and then all of us drunks and non drunks boarded the bus at 1:30am to head back to Leeds. Some drunkards who couldn't get up the bus were left in Birmingham i think, a glimpse of the wonderful administration and organization of the society. But alls not lost! They'll just wake up on some road swearing tomorrow with wonderful tales to tell and the rest of us on the bus; good riddance to bad rubbish.

nuff said. im diving into my bed!

2007-11-30T21:45:00.001+08:00

im really behind on my posts! but i promise i'll upload soon! during this weekend! ive had 2 mega intensive weeks and im finally done with most of my seminars! im left with contract on tuesday and french test on monday! gah! so not looking forward to french but who gives.

heading to birmingham this weekend with lawsoc and im pretty excited! at least, im starting to be now. i cant wait for school to be out and over.

2007-11-29T10:13:00.000+08:00

this is quite a shitty feeling really.

2007-11-29T02:31:00.000+08:00

all the little spiders are starting to creep in freakily and im somehow a tiny bit excited to get my ars back in singapore for christmas.

now, back to torts. seriously. back to torts. i like the freedom of being able to say truthfully that ive been slacking and that i put in some effort now and then to do my work. theres no need to closet or blanket mug in my world so all the liars can go down.

i feel so good because not only am i done with my consti seminar, im also in the middle of torts and these two seminars arnt due till next thursday. I am trying very hard to push these front so that i can skip, play happy next week. oh boy. last two weeks. im excited, happy and really itchy.

i want to finish torts so that i can go for the 80s disco party tonight! boy! i cant wait really!

<3 mummy

2007-11-27T05:12:00.001+08:00

I feel like facebooking and going on random online shopping sprees. Miss selfridge is giving 15% off if you spent £75 and above. But im trying so hard not to.

Instead, im reading a 14page condensed summary on the woolf reforms which so interesting, my toes have started cramping. It isn't that hard to read but my eyes have been glued to the computer screen for so long, i figured a little more of that document would cause me some form of brain hemorrhage.

i cant believe it but i just spent a good 20 minutes trying to find a picture of my mom on my computer. I have absolutely no clue why she always refuses to take a good picture so ta!

Happy Birthday Mommy!
I love you and all the silly pictures I have of you where you are always in mid sentence and never in sight with the camera! I never intended to humiliate you. Its just, very amusing that I have not a single decent picture of you with me or you alone. In december then! =D

2007-11-22T01:04:00.000+08:00

i'm ultra tired of reading. i think my eyes have been glued to tiny line after line of words for the past 8 hours or so and still my brain feels like a shallow dish, possibly because it has allowed all that important knowledge spill right out of that shallow bowl. picture leaving a cup of water under a running tap for days. the water just flows right out. it feels like that right now.

im still not done with torts and ive not started on constitutional. sounds like a long night again tonight but my brain is revolting already.

i decided to take a break but there is seriously nothing to do online. i am not exactly feeling chatty and ive already read all the tabloid websites. i was thinking of blog surfing but i refuse to read anymore. then, theres euro cup and england is playing tonight but i am just not in a mood to watch a bunch of 22 guys running after a round object of life. i cant sing karaoke and i dont really want to have any drinks.

in fact, i think i just want to sleep. but sleep is a waste of time and i feel awful that i spent my last week sleeping. nuff said, im just going to try read a little more then resort to reading all my nutshell books. then maybe and possibly, i will get sleep tonight. cya then!

the leaves are now black, no longer red no longer brown

2007-11-21T01:43:00.000+08:00

i came on with the full intention of posting some pictures of halloween but then i decided to do that some other time. i'm still feeling that whole big sigh.

sighh to go home.
sighh to do work.
sighh for a whole lot of other reasons.

ash is in limbo and so am I for completely different reasons. I have this urge to spell them out here but alas I couldn't and wouldn't. I'm afraid I would do my thoughts injustice, leaving bits and pieces out which may potentially change the timeline and the story. So I shall just leave them hidden and stored in my little head and carry on with this rampage of sighs and groans.

In all this humdrum, the stale air and rotting leaves that lie along the pavements and the road, the slow disintegration of fallen leaves reminds me of my stagnation, my vegetating and this i sorely dislike. The dreary air of autumn is simply damn depressing.

we ride sitting on plates on our conveyor belt of love

2007-11-20T21:43:00.001+08:00

whilst others are busy dressing up as ghouls during halloween, singsoc prefers to spread the love by being something somewhat closer to the heart. We love food, and most people love sushi so for pre halloween, we as a society, turned up as a sushi platter! =D

all the tamagos/eggheads unite!

the three sauce boys! wasabi, mayo, kikkoman!

the wasabi duo (kenneth & cat). note the battle scars in the later pic! LOL! ie: spot the difference!

ken (kikkoman) pouring soya sauce on tamago sushi!

The after effects of too much alcohol. In stages

stage 1- too happy + lovey dovey

stage 2- angry; effects of retardedness kicking in

stage 3- tiko'ness, the monster unleashed

stage 4- bondage!

stage 5- hunger! (ed eating her roes)

last and final stage, tumble and fall; no control!

sushis eaten by the end, marking the end of the night.

a picture is worth a thousand words, in this case 10 thousand?

2007-11-17T07:09:00.000+08:00

ive been having the writers block for the longest time ever which explains this lag and stagnation. I dont exactly feel comfortable phrasing my words in the oddest arrangements that can ever exist. Also, with the amount of stories I have swimming in my little head, its quite a feat preventing all that verbal diahrroea from spilling over so instead of rattling on about my life, we'll just make do with pictorial updates for now. till i regain my proper speak of course. =)

our damn cheat money day but ultra fun cuz of the company day trip to manchester and old trafford!

oriental freshers/welcome back party where we stood around, drank damn alot of shots from the tiniest shotglasses ever and where beer passing became the best thing ever.

more about halloween etc later.

2007-11-12T19:05:00.000+08:00

in view of all recent events,

BIGG sigh.

if i could summarise everything in a series of two words, they would be: big sigh, damn sian, quite upsetting, very annoying, bloody pricklish, ultra whatever, fuck it.

2007-11-09T21:19:00.000+08:00

i haven't had a decent conversation with anyone lately and i'm undeniably upset.
like before, it sucks to find out about things through blogs which i never tag and i feel a tad jealous when i see others keeping in healthy contact unlike me. it is disappointing because even being online on msn, people hardly bother to click on me anymore.

i suppose i only have myself to blame because i am so self absorbed nowadays but now that things are like this, i really have no idea how i should start any conversation. I do not want to be known for being random, or superficial or even boastful so how then do i carry on a normal conversation with anyone who bothers? that i really have no idea. I feel like quite the imbecilic fool now.

talking about fools. i undoubtedly believe that i alone am the biggest one. somehow it feels as if, nothing is going right yet im trying so hard to calm myself and tell myself that it is indeed alright. i've always said that i hate being made use of yet now i fall so helplessly in that trap.

im afraid of heading home in December.
i wouldn't know what ive got to do, what ive got to say, what to do with myself.

the opium in my veins

2007-11-06T06:28:00.000+08:00

i just spent my craziest weekend in Brussels.
it is truly as stated by law soc, the - Brussels weekend of lash.

now that im back, its uni, lectures, seminars, Ellerslie hall and the refractory all over again.
not that I had damn a lot of fun. But its just, big SIGH.

love chocolates, belgian waffles, brussels grill, the abundant expensive alcohol, my violent streaks, my vices and all other indulgent things. probably more details next time, now, theres only shit, contract, shit, constitutional, shit, torts, shit, kill, die in my head right now so au reviour. seeya later.

okay with blogging. back to els

2007-10-29T08:04:00.000+08:00

its the weekend and i ought to be partying but the slack never gets far and the hardworking never borders so voila, im back to my note writing, book reading and law cursing self. hoorah.

its not exactly all work and no play here in Leeds. It never is and never will be.
so enjoy!

The Fray @ Leeds University (Refactory)

the bunch of us who started queueing and hour and a half before

opening act -terra naomi (good stuff) love her voice!

YUM YUM YUM!

The guy w/ the jason mraz like orgasmic voice and the lead who jumped on his piano to get us to sing how to save a life. =)

2007-10-24T20:18:00.000+08:00

i have the triple A syndrome.
Go figure. I have no time to elaborate and talk.
seeyou soon

speak to my fist, your life should be better than mine

2007-10-24T03:33:00.000+08:00

i practically procrastinated my big fat ass life away so now when i want to make things right, i feel that everything is swimming all over and my head feels nothing like a big jumbled mess.

ive been told what res judicata, obiter dictum, per incuriam and this other latin term (i SO cant remember now) means for the 6th time already but now, everything is jumbled up and i feel like a kindergarten kid trying to draw lines from one word to the meaning correctly because my goldfish brain is too screwed up to remember any shit.

in any case, ive been going to sleep with LOTS of work UNDONE and stressed to the max ergo the ticking brain sleeping body. I feel my head twitching ticking thinking of work, of terms, of concepts, of law, of french, of things and i know that i am aware of whats going on around but my body is resting because it is so darn tired.

i feel like a pc being put to sleep or on screen saver mode.
fucking computer.
i still love law btw.
just complaining. =D

pizza, ice cream, beer and rugby

2007-10-21T06:04:00.000+08:00

England lost the rugby world cup =(
I've never seen Dave such a killjoy but it was hilarious at the 70th minute because Jon had gone off to change and South Africa was leading 12-6. When Jon got back he said "Whott, did they score?" Dave immediately replied: "ah. dont be stupid!" then he got back to swirling his 4th pint of stella shrugging and muttering about how the game wasn't professional rugby but utter rubbish.

Dave: "they losttt! im devastated that England lost. Even though im from Wales, they lost! I'm going to Nu Bar to drown my sorrows"

When we got on the taxi, the driver asked: "so we lost? no one looks too appy."
Jon: " yeah. but who gives an ars?"
Dave: "as long as it isn't soccer"

Hahaha! All that scrumming looked pretty interesting.
Besides that, we had fun matching players to fictional characters. They all looked pretty odd!

don't you think these two look alike?

by the end of the game, everyone wanted to draw blood and to have his legs broken. But then again, who can get the image of the flying rugby ball smacking his face and then of him crashing into the camera. Its frikkin priceless.

i rather talk about trains than contracts

2007-10-20T01:11:00.000+08:00

okay!
i'll start contract for real once im done with this quick update!

France crippled by transport strike
PARIS - FRENCH commuters faced travel chaos yesterday after transport workers staged a 24-hour strike over plans to scrap their pension privileges, handing President Nicolas Sarkozy the first major challenge to his reforms.

Germans hit by another rail stoppage
GERMAN commuters struggled with major disruptions for the second time in a week yesterday as train drivers went on strike again over pay.

And recently, Adeline told me there was some tube strike in London and because of that, she couldn't tube around. Then if i remember correctly, I heard from sources that tube strikes are mighty common in London.

Tis random but thankfully we never have this in Singapore. Imagine how many letters/smses/mmses of complaints the government/transport bodies will get if God forbids, this ever happens. I know i'll whine if i can't train from Tanah Merah to Orchard.
been having these sudden spurts and out pours lately which are usually so random and of no significance.

I think its just me trying to escape my readings. BAH!

pi sai

2007-10-19T05:34:00.000+08:00

bahh!
i hate doing readings when at the back of my head, my brain says that weekends are meant to be times of fun, happy times with long long sleeping hours.

i really can't focus because i want to watch heroes, i want to go out, i want to watch movies, i want to shop. =( Then again, i love the thought of getting a law degree so i have to suck it up. Damn those idiotic law book writers who whine about essentially the same points 10 thousand times in a paragraph. They annoy the shit out of my blind blurry eyes.

i finally got this out of yen so im posting this up cuz i miss them damn a lot. SIGHH!

tales of the flying squirrel

2007-10-17T03:15:00.001+08:00

is something random but i saw a squirrel leap from one tree to another.
It happened so quickly i got a shock and did this half squat thing outside the great hall. Then i started sputtering excitedly asking kenneth if he saw what i saw.

"did you see that squirrel leap?"
"Its a flying squirrel!"
"WHATT?? DONT BULL SHIT ME!"
"You've never heard or seen a flying squirrel before?"
"I didn't know something like this existed"
"tsk. *silently chortles*"

being an 'informed' law student, i inquisitively googled flying squirrels & guess what!

The flying squirrels, scientifically known as Pteromyini or Petauristini, are a tribe of squirrel (family Sciuridae). There are 43 species in this tribe, the largest of which is the woolly flying squirrel (Eupetaurus cinereus). The 2 species of the genus Glaucomys (Glaucomys sabrinus and Glaucomys volans) are native to North America, and the Siberian flying squirrel is native to parts of northern Europe (Pteromys volans).

okay Kenneth. whatever! *rolls eyes* I happen to spend most of my life in sunny Singapore where squirrels are often hairless and non existent. To see a squirrel is like seeing an ostrich running about the island.

2007-10-16T20:37:00.001+08:00

EDGAR TAN!
im so so so so so so SORRRYYYY!
HAPPY Belated BIRTHDAY!!

Please know that I feel so awful, so terrible and so crappy! Call me soon! No you stingy pok! Answer your damn phone! Frikkin Retard!

Time is running out

2007-10-15T05:42:00.001+08:00

i need my muse to get my brain running.

its noisy, some may find annoying but its such a nice song to break into especially when you feel like sleeping on your 125 page reading of the English Legal system.

Im officially confused and messed up and my brain is yet again failing on me. Anyone heard of anything like a brain booster/implant? I really need! Hah! just so you know, the muse song accurately depicts all the emotions running through my head now with regards to ELS.

enjoy!

im vile but i love myself much

2007-10-14T06:15:00.001+08:00

I should be doing my readings, preparing for my seminars, catching up on all the lost time but thinking about the hundreds of pages to read, the bizarrely confusing essays and the write ups i ought to be doing, all i can say is. Dangs! Why am I still here!

I've put a halt on my facebook activities, on meeting up with my friends, on drinking, shopping, socializing yet time is still short. Blame that nasal discomfort, the scratchy voice, the green lump of starchy crap in my gullet and the short gasps of air in my lungs. I am forever filled with ten thousand and one excuses.

But no matter no matter. I've got lots of hope and faith. I'm happy and I still love what i'm doing. Perhaps not so much the black and white puny words but i'm coping fine.

My vices have been overwhelming me lately. The guilt plagues me but I'm still unbelievably joyful. I find that particularly odd but that does not mean that i've stopped fighting them. In any case, i've rattled too much so now i'm going to constipate my verbal diarrhoea by dousing myself in a few hundred pages of readings.

doink! i'm such a tinned dummy.

i realised i haven't been posting pictures up so heres two bad ones. in the group picture, i was too gone to realise anyone was taking a pic therefore head to the floor and in the second one. one of the few which i managed to self capture with my head in it. i decapitated head in most of the other shots due to my immense inability to control something called a retarded hand.

more next time!
xoxo

ultra quick ramble

2007-10-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

i've got the flu, feel like shit but still unbelievably happy.
I tried killing myself yesterday by having chips and manhon's famous onion rings but hurrah im still here typing this happily because in 5 to 10 minutes, i'll plop into my nice comfy bed and fall so soundly asleep. Then i'm going to wake up at 6, get ready to go for buddies night organised by law soc which entails £3000 worth of free drinks behind the damn bar. After i've had my fill, start sobering up and am able to walk, i'll make my way to the quilted lama for the silly superfly party. Guess what! Its superfly! stupid themed party! I dont know if im supposed to dress as a fly or what but then im going anyway. I'll head to tigertiger after because the law soc parties are always better, go higher up the clouds, come back to my room and sleep soundly like ive never slept before.

Tomorrow, i'll get up, get everything I need to get done done, be happy because i have a two hour day. Catch up on readings, print notes, write notes and feel like a total geek! I'm so happy and excited, I cannot wait.

The cold? Its secondary. I dont know how I can get on this sugar high so often now but whatever works. whatever works!
my 5 minutes is up so im jumping under my duvet! au revior!

in time we'll see

2007-10-03T19:53:00.000+08:00

i do what i love, i love what i do

im super elated, ecstatic, excited and exhilarated now. I do not really know if i've felt so much joy in so long but one piece of good news after another. Its like everything falling into place on a roll! Seriously, I may too damn bloody ars far away for any thing to happen but thats okay because i'm simply 68 days away.

Not only will I get to hug my family weak, i'll be able to skip and hop around with my friends, chill hang out, fly our arses to Vietnam and Cambodia, have a ball, feel on top of the world, meet people I've been wanting to see for the longest time! It doesn't matter if I have to study throughout my holidays. Im doing what I love however difficult it is.

At this point in time, I can't help but marvel at God's work. At how blessed I am because everything is just falling into place. It was a long wait, a lot of self doubt but I am so sure in my heart that this is what we both want. It is like a revelation I never figured out or knew of.

Christmas at home finally. =)
Ive got to go buy more books! So see you soon okay! ;)

its a befuddled intriguing mess

2007-10-02T00:45:00.000+08:00

Weird and oddly enough,
I haven't touched my computer for more than half an hour the past three days, my clothes have not been washed for a week, my room is an utter sty, my notes are all over the place in a mess, I have not had time to read my lecture notes much less prepare or read anything, my notes, uncopied and incomprehensible, my books new and untouched, I have not taken out my french notes, gone to town to shop or watched you tube at all.

Then you'll say. YOU MUST HAVE SLEPT ALL YOUR TIME AWAY! But, no. I havent, i've only been having 3-4 hours of sleep daily and that is SO WEIRD! my eyebags are big time black and my hair is an utter mess. I take 5-10 minutes to bathe a day and i have to hold my shit most of the time because I have no time to shit and relax.

What the hell! I know right? What the hell!
I have no idea man! I'm so damn tired and I have one million things to do. So again this little rant and the lack of updates! Soon soon! i'll update sooon! Promise! ACK!

2007-09-22T17:12:00.000+08:00

been crazy! been very busy! No time to come online proper and to sleep proper!
will however update soon!
i miss everyone! see you in dec!
xoxo

2007-09-15T00:49:00.001+08:00

ive been holding it all day but right now, i can withstand it no longer.
I really really want to be home. I really really want to give it all up. I really really can't stand being so far away. I am so so so upset I do not even know where to begin.

A mix of stupidity, idiocracy, and all crappy elements rolled into one

2007-09-11T17:22:00.001+08:00

Click and guess who. Its damn amazing.
Now, I look like shit. Jerrold still has the same ah pek face and charlene, she still looks pretty much the same!

gMAXX

2007-09-02T21:53:00.000+08:00

i didn't think so much today.
I went out to celebrate gwen's birthday in the evening.
We were gone nutters taking a shot into the sky and downing those excruciatingly painful chilli tequila shots before dinner.

here's why I think i'm crazy.

but it was a superb day today and i'm still stoked!
Happy Belated Birthday Gwen!! =D

I am thankful yet so aggrieved

2007-09-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

Last we heard, I felt like a misfit.
Now, moving on with times, a misfit I still am but with the current affairs, I feel more like a parasite leaching off others. Perhaps, you may think that I complain too much, have too many issues because I am some paranoid grasshopper but what can I do, I want to be happy too.

I am increasingly finding it hard to be happy.
I think everyone knows how I am dreading my final 13 days in Singapore. Just today, I was thinking if I could push my flight to the 17th (same as ash) and everyday, I wake up asking my parents if I could study in Singapore because I miss them too much already. So it is quite a routine for me. I talk to parents, get chided for being silly, go up to my room, get a little emo, find fault with my brother and sister, then kiss and make up. Then be upset because I am leaving.

Back to why I think I am a parasite,
for the past three and a half months, I did nothing but hang out, eat, sleep, shop. I've bought a lot of useless clothes which i'll probably wear once then wonder why in the world i bought that because it made me look fat then chuck it in some corner hoping money will appear instead. I think it must be hard on my parents.

Since I made this choice, I should just suck it up and go with the flow.
Please, just bear with me. I just really hate this sense of foreboding.

2007-08-24T02:11:00.000+08:00

personally, i feel like some social misfit.
i say the most boring stuff and breathe the most boring things.

those around me however, are like rainbow sparklers.
so beautiful, so fun, thrilling and exciting to the end.
even when the sparklers end, you just pick them up and stick them into the sand, building a make-shift fortress, laying out the boundaries between the others. the sparks may have gone, but unless someone comes and picks these little stilts on the sand, they'll weather the weathers living on ever and ever.

i hardly think i'm in anyway like any kind of a sparkler. just some metal stick that happens to be in the sand, among the boundaries of the make-shift fortress. it makes life a little more confusing because im a boring stick. not a pretty sparkler. despite all that, im thankful that they are able to make me feel so at home. to allow me to believe that this is where i belong.

on another note, we prove that photobooth intrigues us more than studying

2007-08-23T03:07:00.000+08:00

i really really reallllly cannot wait for friday!

but learning from experience, it would be better to bring everything down a notch just in case. those kites can hardly fly in stale and breeze-less weather.

meeting the girls tomorrow. cant wait!

2007-08-15T00:49:00.001+08:00

edna told me she touched gwen stefani.
(*&*%^$@$£%$^%
im green with envy!

we hang our hearts out for all to see

2007-08-14T01:37:00.000+08:00

sitting on high stools in a tight circle, we passed around the coronas and mocktails sipping each drink slowly and enjoying each others company. It may look odd seeing a bunch of girls passing drinks across and beside each other but it is to us not something very foreign. I would think that passing drinks are less of an eyesore compared to plates and bowls of chicken cultet, chicken chop, fish and chip and wanton mee. As communal as it may seem, our hearts are in the right place and those plate and drink passing would be something of ours that is here to stay.

As we sat in silence allowing the husky voice, the rousing bass and soulful lyrics breathe around us, I could somewhat feel each and everyone excited screaming and shouting along the lyrics of those old school tunes melodiously in our hearts. Nothing can ever beat that feeling. Knowing that each and everyone was enjoying themselves. It was so calm, so serene and very relaxing. I havent felt that in ages. As I turned and looked at each and everyone around that table, and this little knot of contentment loosened furthur as i saw the little smiles and grins lighting up the table. Slowly, everyone was looking at each other and sniggering, mouthing the lyrics to each other. It was such a wonderful feeling.

Somehow, I wish the rest had been there. I know for sure that everyone would have the same kind of fun, the same sort of contentment and joy. Those were the songs we used to listen to remember?

Plans were then made to meet again 4 and 5 days later.

It was the same feeling despite eating at kfc. The conversations we had digressed ever so easily and it really wasn't difficult at all to feel and to know for sure that you've found love with people you know who would always be a part of that second home.

I am really thankful that i've found the group of people I know I will always want to be with =) Now, i'm just looking forward till we meet again.

Im starting to feel at home

2007-08-12T02:55:00.000+08:00

Your name is higher than the Heavens

It is wonderful and uplifting to yet again feel so close. The trivialities suddenly all seem smaller and love becomes something so much greater. You think about the sacrifices made and then you become so much more appreciative and serene.

I may be boring, have nothing to say most of the time, shut off during the others but your love is something I know to be everlasting.

Thank you Lord for being so amazing =)

2007-08-06T15:20:00.000+08:00

My brother had a seizure and it scared me to death. I hate the bloody a & e room. It stinks and I am praying and hoping that everything will be fine.

envy the world

2007-07-31T02:18:00.000+08:00

skipping is boring, no carbs suck!
losing weight is never ending and less food makes one crappy.

The past three weeks went by in a flash and it is practically almost impossible to recall every event that occurred. My heavy head hangs as if i've just gotten over a humongously massive hangover jumbled up with my natural sluggishness. One thing is for sure. My seemingly late waking hours have somewhat escalated to tardy after lunch hours.

Furiously calling, texting informing of my lateness, tea/dinner/supper, talk. Food, talk, movie, talk. The lifestyle according to my Dad is unhealthy and being so active and hardly at home, it bothers him because having more freedom 10,000 miles away, it seems as if, i practically have more reasons to not even go home(hostel/dorm). Home is someplace so nice, warm and fuzzy in my heart. To not be home, it would be like not having dinner. I can't possibly not have dinner can I?

The food in Singapore, Glorious! So wonderful it annoys me because my sad stomach is not expandable and I cannot possibly have a plate of chicken rice, fish noodles, hokkien mee and wantan mee for dinner everyday. With such a wonderful selection, how can I possibly just pick one? Gluttony and Sloth. The two greatest depravities of mine.

This all boils down to time!
Time time timeee!
No more time!

It is remarkable how time flies. This I say with a sigh. Depressing how all the flurry, luggage packing season will soon start. With hasty goodbyes and wishes for more time, I cannot tell you how my mood meter goes down 5 notches the moment this topic comes up. Dad, i do not lead any sort of a promiscuous life there in Leeds. Really, its just my life in a closet with entertainment (internet and my weighing scale maybe) and a toilet. I dont club, I dont smoke pot. I dont take drugs, I dont eat excessively. Only snacks maybe. Life is boring.

With only one more late night shopping event for me to go to, Time really is short.
I'm missing Singapore already.

pictures soon! alternatively, frikkin get facebook.

2007-07-25T03:35:00.000+08:00

I really cant get enough of the girls =)
They've made everything about being home so much better.

I love those who understand my love for space and for those I can speak freely. I don't think I belong in a shell but in a triangle, a square, with a tiny rectangle at the top with pillows of steam, a walkway, doors and windows. Some tiny little place that I can call home and also which I know I belong.

I've snapped out of my natural lag and so i've been spending time with people I like and love. The past two weeks have been a crazy hectic mad rush and where most of the time, I wish I was enjoying the comforts of my four walls, I've not stopped to think about how wonderful these little gatherings are. I think I am really fortunate.

I love being home and all those little setbacks no longer exist to tie me down.

PS:
JOKE OF THE MONTH!
MH: Is a dress the top and bottom joined together one?
ME: Whattttt?
MH: The long one.
ME: .....

2007-07-24T00:40:00.001+08:00

feels just like those polka dotted, fun free and innocent days. =)
this is the reason why i love them so

2007-07-22T04:05:00.000+08:00

oddly enough, one of my favourites out of the 7.
that with half blood prince of course.

the 15 hours spent were somewhat bittersweet.
my eyes are almost reduced to slits.
Goodnight!

2007-07-15T01:31:00.001+08:00

somewhat more than expected

2007-07-13T01:01:00.000+08:00

These nerves I tell you, is making me feel like a first year student all over again.

In other non related news, I am finally out of the house and meeting people whom I havent seen in ages. My room is still being refurbished and truth be told, I am possibly lazier than ever. I have to drag myself out of the house literally and Yenny can attest to that horrendous fact. From Saturday, my fat ass dragged it to Tuesday, then Wednesday, then Thursday and finally Saturday. I swear by my big ass, I will get out and meet her on Saturday even if i get warts and pox.

It dawned on me that I have already spent 2 months in Singapore. In another 2, I will be flying back to good ol' jolly England. Not exactly excited about that now that I've gotten used to living in an air-conditioned box. Truth be told, despite missing the freedom, the independence, the weather and the life I had over there, I have not gotten sick of chicken rice or carrot cake yet.

the boy who lived must live

2007-07-10T22:32:00.000+08:00

i'm being quite silly and very retarded but,
please save harry potter!
Sign the petition!

http://www.saveharrypotter.co.uk/

I think i'm going to snap out of it, read this and delete this soon

2007-07-09T23:34:00.000+08:00

nothing quite can compare with feelings of jubilance or ecstacy. The sudden sugar rush is possibly cocaine-like though i dont know what cocaine is like.
I know for sure that when I actually feel all that, ignore the bubbles that spring out of head. Lines and more lines of utter nonsense tend to escape the mouth i try so fervently supress. The sudden high makes me instantly gregarious and I dont know. It is bad because I so evidently and comfortably put on view, my stupidity.

like for instance,
claiming that because of all the lit and history essays I used to write, therefore anything that is presented to me tends to be broken down at the back of my head picking up and resulting in paranoia which may not necessarily be what the other party meant to project. Then going on a discussion between the polarities of the different brains which i know not of then making a fool of myself.

having an argument that my mac is wayyyy better than any silly microsoft professional or vista because mac is pretty, superior, innovative and cool. Trying to explain why expose with the thing above the e is a faster way of changing from one application to another because all you need is a slight flick on the mouse, then find and choose your programme. I am never good at alt+tab-bing or in my case, cmb+tab-ing. My argument for that is that my fingers work too damn slow because they simply cant work together. My fingers almost have a pseudo brain of their own which is why they can hardly ever be controlled whenever i want to press cmd+q, my brain up there would say, "USE THE MOUSE. USE THE MOUSE YOU MORON". So, because it works so much faster, my hand moves to the mouse and closes whatever document before my other hand can reach the cmd and q keys. I suppose I have very weak fine motor skills or whatever that thing is called. My brain is also failing at the moment.

I stopped skipping again! I wanted to run but the bus ride made me tired and someone suggested I play tennis but thinking about both, I dont want to jiggle! haha! =D

2007-07-02T00:18:00.000+08:00

if my time isn't filled with disappointment and regrets from this and that, then my actions are inflicting those around with the very same anguish and flub. Now ladies and gentlemen, its the chicken and egg all over again. Starting to move on, to accept and to believe will help very much but how can one resist a fight and battle to the end right?

I refuse to end this so i'm going to stick around and see what happens.

I am alone the insufferable prick of the world

2007-06-30T16:39:00.000+08:00

"mom, i'm bored!"
"mom, I have nothing better to do!"
"mom, why do you keep walking up and down the stairs?"
"mom, can you tell me about stocks and shares?"
"mom..."

"can you stop mom-ing me? I have things to do unlike you."

My half a saturday burned and bust just like that.
I found myself waking up at 10am today. Saturdays are meant to be 4pm days! So I started reading the papers only to find myself re-living those A level days of speculating, bonds and dividends, floating exchange rates, pegging this and that to the dollar, investment, macroeconomics and the beloved interest rate. On any day, I would have closed the papers straight refusing to bother but today, I sat there for a whole 2 hours trying to visualise the Asian Financial Crisis. Bloody amazing and I still hate economics.

This boredom has heightened my peckish-ness. From an assortment of chocolates and candies, to cornflakes, bread and fruits, I've also eaten bee hoon and my sister's lor mee all in a span of two hours. Disgusted by those hip hop stars on the fabulous life, I decided to come up to my room and skip. Then I decided to give the tube box one more try so I started watching this really old chinese show called 'jin zhen tou' aka the golden pillow. (1990s chinese serial drama) . Hah! Bad choice. I think it was the third episode and it was about these thai refugees in mymmar. At least, thats what the lead said. But the backdrop was the angkor wat so, thai refugees in mymmar or cambodia? Whatever lah!

I finally start skipping but stopped because of stitches. Hah! Moron. Just ate so much but still want to skip. After a hundred, I found myself opening mac and then clicking on iphoto. It was like some natural progression. Click on iphoto when you're bored and watch your fluctuating mass over a period of time. I yawn then I started watching my retarded videos home-made like one of those bad travel shows of my fun days around singapore, around poland and around slovakia. My sad narcissistic un-endearing life.

Why now is my life spiraling into boredom?
oh. I forgot. I am boring.

Wait, let me see. I think I texted five people just now. Wanted to hear some squeak from them but no reply yet. I guess when you are bored, your one minute turns into an hour, for my case, its two. Two hours. I wasted a day and many two hours looking at nothing.

the end of my summer terror

2007-06-27T22:13:00.000+08:00

With 2 more days before I end this silly summer job, my holidays are starting to look a whole lot better. As I grin and bear this, I can only think of the various to dos starting next week. Lots of sleep, a neater room, more time for myself, maybe losing some weight, being less of a steamed chicken, more of a roasted one, happy happy grins, more mummy daddy didi meimei grandma cousin time, more heyhey, lets meet up for coffee, prata or a movie. And I dont even know if I want to count driving. I doubt I will ever get my ars down to school. Plus, I doubt I would be able to get those test dates and therefore my license in time. Its fine really. I would love to drive my family and friends around but I guess, I still like being driven around. Better the boss than the chauffeur anyway. =D

Lesson I've learnt this past month, never ever work in f & b unless you love dealing with shitheads being unkind Singaporeans. I loved working at coffee club it was fun. I dont understand why this job is essentially the same thing but the people I serve are so different.

- 10 seconds after giving me the order.. "why you take so long to make my coffee?"

my face: *shocked*
in my head: "f**king jackass"
from my mouth: "i'll hurry the machine." *smile*

- 7 minutes after ordering... "excuse me. why my sandwich so long take so long one?"

me: *flustered* "sorry but there is a very long queue!"
the guy: "can faster? i'm hungry."
me: "sorry! but me too! you have to queue with the rest!"
"please bear with me because we follow a queue system"

- there is a god damn long queue and suddenly this lady comes to the counter and orders so I ignored her. She uttered her order and walked off and scolded me for forgetting her order. The next time she came, she did the same thing again and so I cut her off in mid sentence and said "sorry mdm, you have to queue with the rest. Please join the queue back there"

lady: "i'm a regular"
me: "so are a lot of those in the queue here"
in my brain: " and they are way nicer and less rude to me"

there are many other examples and the list can go on forever. Call me a rude piece of shit, no respect, over the top over my head whatever shit. I dont give a crap. I'd like to not stoop to their level but how am I supposed to feel human when i'm trampled on and treated like some dog. So for your cheap coffee you dehumanize me? screw you cretins who nag and complain because your coffee is a level less than usual. I am so pissed yet very amused by all this and I am now so over it. Two more days. Smile like I love it. I cannot frikkin wait.

People should really be nicer to those serving them. Its not like they owe the customers a living. Its also not like they are less educated therefore have to serve you. Stop looking at them like they're less and start treating them like an equal. I like nice customers and I smile geniunely at them. Sadly, most of the nice customers belong to the group who are either educated overseas, mingle with the foreigners and the foreigners. They laugh, joke with you, ask you about your day and even help you clear tables when they're execs sitting in big desks and chairs. So when someone says that service staff are biased idiots, they're not. They like nice customers. Singaporeans not. Period.

2007-06-20T19:27:00.000+08:00

i know i sort of disappeared into oblivion. Been leading a very hectic and tiresome life. It is essentially quite a routine to follow daily doing this and that during a certain period of time. But I suppose that tired as I may be, I am somewhat happy following the routines that I've got. I go about doing what I have to do in the day, then look forward to sleep at night and when I get up, half an hour later, i'm doing what I usually do in the day again. I feel robotic but I suppose robots do not need to think. And while I wish I never need to use my brains, having this much space, I learn to be thankful of what little I have. My family, my family and some people who bother enough. Sorry for being so uncontactable. I know it gets quite annoying. Soon i'm going to get out of this whole routine and back to what life I thought I always had. At least so I think.

I should be at the mango sale now but I unfortunately am not. I feel quite shit. I am wishing that I was there, shopping, buying nicer clothes and having fun. Instead, I came online, to look at the online catalogue. Mentally picturing and getting an idea of what I think I want and what I think I may possibly need. I cant wait for tomorrow.

My life is getting so boring so much so, I'm getting bored typing it out. whatever lah. At least I'm quite contented with whatever is going on.

Eye Diss-like Disappointment

2007-06-09T02:14:00.000+08:00

I suppose there will come a time where you would sit at the position where i'm at, let every face flash by in order of importance then let each face flash according to alphabetical order in your address book. You think of they times you've shared, some conversations in your life that you had then you do a mental shuffle of where that face or name will go.

recycling bin, rubbish chute, with the stack of papers at the side of your table, on a list next to your laptop or on speed dial.

There are no numbers assigned on my speed dial. The names fluctuate too often and supposing others have speed dials and not me on it, I guess, you would know where the problem lie. I told my mom that I thought my sis was quite a selfish person, detatched from many people and not bothering more about the people around. After I said that, it struck me hard and wide the similarities I had with my sister. But at least she has her bestfriend, her very very 2 other close friends and me. I feel most of the time that I probably just have her.

I'm feeling quite down with all the various thoughts going through my mind but scrolling down my phonebook, I couldnt really pinpoint an exact name or to press the call button when I specifically thought of someone. That kind of made things worse. I thought I should be more mature about the situation and suck it up. Whining and complaining about the fact that I am so detatched wouldn't actually solve anything. Instead I ought to be doing something like, re-building the bonds that I have perhaps? May be theres this silly something appealing with the whole I can stand on my own two feet theory but no man's an island so why do I remain so stubborn and so forceful in my professed self-sufficiency.

I am so selfish to the extent that I do not want anyone too close because I am afraid I would get upset. I am so shadowed by my own ego that I wouldnt even want to try, to get out of this self constructed comfort zone and to give not only myself but others a chance. Its me me me and me so much so, i'm upset because I really can not stand myself.

I dont want names to exist just for the sake of it. I want proper names on speed dial. I am so so tired of vanishing and disappearing faces.

my hair is turning white, im so getting wrinkles and a beard

2007-06-07T00:48:00.000+08:00

my calf muscles are aching!
walking to and fro, standing for hours at a time, running here and there, i suppose it wouldnt be a surprise. I wonder how women can actually wear heels on a regular basis. Not that I wear heels on a regular basis. I'm a flat person. I love my flipflops, my pumps, my sandals.

I bought this pair of quite pretty h&m tiny heels and i've been trying to wear them for quite a while. But, everytime I do, my calf muscles will hurt even more. Trying to shop with heels isnt really something smart but I believe that if others can shop with 2 and a half inches, a one inch wouldnt kill. Come on. One inch is like three times less than a two and a half. I am a woman/girl after all right?. geez. I used to run around town with one and a half inches. What happened to that skill of mine? Age is truly catching up. Either that, or I really need to tone up.

Speaking of which, my beloved sister is the bane of my existence. I try to scold/kill myself each day by controlling my diet and the amount of meals that I have a day. 3 meal max! But, my sis loves having a pre and post dinner snack, and supper. Supper is always a sumptous affair. Either terribly unhealthy fastfood or packets of instant noodles with eggs, crabstick and the works. Sigh. How can I possibly say no to good old hearty happy meals right? I cant which is the reason for my frustration. I am as white as I can possibly get and everyone cant seem to stop remarking how fair and fat i've become. I hate f words really. fair, fat.

Yongteng tried to make me feel better. He said that I look better being fat. Greatt. Thanks dude! That totally made my night. At least now I know, that not being able to squeeze my fat ass into my now tiny clothes have somewhat made me more attractive? Whatever lah! KNS. Aiyah! I just had supper again! I had a char siew pao, instant szechuan noodles and mashed potatos! I was so tempted to have a happy hippo but I figured somehow that being happy and looking like a hippo wasnt something too ideal given my current state.

the end of the start of the tunnel

2007-06-05T00:03:00.000+08:00

finally after two weeks,
dare i say that I am no longer jet lagged. Just lazy and unwilling to sleep and wake up early? check and double check.

what else?
- cut my hair =(
- got a new phone. picture attached below
- been to town/city hall
- gone shopping
- eaten chai tao kueh, chicken rice, fish noodles, tau huey, yong tau foo, xiao long bao
- spent time with family (not enough)
- missed people in leeds
- wish i was back in the uk many times
- felt happy to be home
- seen the crazy queue for the crazy donut factory
- wished money fell from the sky
- got a job
check check check.

now for all those left unchecked,
- settle the driving thing
- figure what I want to do after I stop working
- start reading
- go to vivocity
- meet up with kimpong, jerrold, ellen, tribe, etc etc..
- sleep summore
- go for the zara and mango sales
- lose damn a lot more weight
- TANNNN~

shucks. time will fly and before I know, i'll have to kiss Singapore sayonara and say ciao for another 9-10 months. sighs. Why does the UK have to be so far away. Why are we growing older so fast and so furious? No more national library days, or even those days where we would go out solely just to get bubble tea. No more long john silver or fish and co too. 9 months in the UK, I still love fish and chips as much and going to fish and co 10 times, 9 out of 10, I would never ever touch anything other than one of the yummiest new york fish and chips. Good to be home, bad to have to leave so soon. 4 months. What is that? Nothing but a tiny fraction of a little small part of a year. Its never enough to stay happy at home!

here's my new best frend. meet.. red phone! i swear with my brain in its current useless-i-can't-think-nor-process-anything-plus-multitask state, red phone is seriously the best name i could come up with. shucks. i hope i never have to name my kids kid, child, thing next time.

crimson clovers

2007-06-03T01:43:00.000+08:00

I havent been going out with my camera since I got back home and whilst I do want a snapshot now and then, I find it hard to get a shot of something that is forced, fake hard or no longer the same. Camera phones to me are a no no, however good the pixation may be, a phone to me will always be a phone so cameras on a phone will always be secondary and second rate, a place behind real cameras which I feel are wayy better than cameras on camera phones.

We live as humans with a set of beliefs, with a set of memories and so much hope. Hope is formed through expectations and expectations result in more hope. Why the vicious cycle, I wish I knew but unfortunately I do not. I only know that too much hope destroys a person and too little hope kills a persons soul. How then are we able to find the balace. To ensure that there is neither too little nor too much?

Meeting up with old friends, I find myself happy, excited because it has been a good long while since I last saw them and nervous to the extent where I start fretting vainly over my looks, my appearance and what my friends will think as to what the UK has done for me. Am I superficial, skimming and paying attention to the outside? I do not know exactly. But what I do know and believe is that I want to look my best, I want as much as possible to be like the old if not better. I want proof that I can stay the same, that despite age, the good and the bad, I did not let myself or the people around me down, being able to stay exactly as how I was months or even years back. I do not care if people think that I am insecure. I just want to live in accordance to my expectations and all I ask is for things to stay the same. Whats so wrong about that?

So, I admit that I am upset. I am a little angry that things are no longer the same. I am angry that common corridors, certain beige sofas, wooden benches, whiteboards, or even toilets are no longer able to retain cetain memories that I hold so dear. Conversations, tears of joy, or sorrow and or laughter seemed to have disappeared in a flash and what is the cause of all that. Everyone seems to be moving on whilst I feel myself stuck in the past with whatever silly bond was holding us together, i feel that others are not feeling the same and that disappoints me. I was told that everything would naturally fall into place the moment you see those precious to you. Can I accurately say that I am now able to see who and what is precious to me?

May be, like rusty gear boxes, we need time to warm up and to get the engine going. So perhaps, all we need is a little bit more time. A little bit more time with a whole lot less expectations? We need more syrup and honey.

like taking out the plaits after a very long time

2007-05-31T14:04:00.000+08:00

Not seeing my cousins in months was something weird. We used to meet up and hang out almost everyweek even though we had pretty much nothing to say to each other. We all lead our separate lives, non intertwined and so in a way, i got used to their company.

9 months later, im back at their house and i cant help but marvel at how everyone has changed. Furnitures aside, i noticed that voices are breaking, everyone is competing to outgrow each and its almost like everyone is competing to have the spikier hair in he house. Did I mention that one of the rooms I remember sleeping a lot in as a kid has prastically turned into a lan shop? Counterstrike one corner, diablo the other, warcraft the next and even my sister is playing maple at another. So here I sit near one of the dusty old cabinets wondering how all these happened.

Had we no control of our futures and fates as young children. Did we ever grow up knowing that we'd all be in the same room years later, face buried into our separate computers silent with sounds so familiar from the tipping and tapping of computer keyboards, clicking of the mouse or the goan or occasional commands shouting from their each separate games? What happened to those days where we used to watch cartoon network together, slide down the stairs or scream our heads off running around the house ransacking cupboards or hidden corners just to look for each other.

boy or boy am I old. Good or bad, I dont really know. But i'm amazed. I'm still glad that we sort of know a thing or two about each other.

Dont like the flaky skin on the floor!

2007-05-30T01:23:00.000+08:00

My sad melodramatic lifeless and sleep deprived life paved my pebbled path of endless bubble minded banter. Now I cant help but wonder what an airhead I am. Recently, sillier than silly words and phrases have been sprouting out of my ears, my eyes and my mouth. They say speak no evil, but evil as I do not speak, I babble. Then theres hear no evil, which I do NOT even hear. I am not even sure what I am listening to. See no evil? Yes! I'm seeing things. Not things out of the unordinary but things that are seen due to sheer carelessness and my inability to visualise and comprehend. Maybe even direct? Weird! Things are getting weird around here. My brain is getting heavier and my spine, more painful.

Damn my bloody new bed. or pillow. or brother. or all three factors!

I love my brother much much and everyone i'm sure knows that. I love him to death. But the past one week have been hell for me. I wake up cursing and swearing, screaming at him to stop scratching his bloody eczema-on-his-whole-damn-body-ugh-its-creating-a-layer skin. You know, sometimes, when you have long nails and like thick flaky skin, you scratch a surface with "teesck" "teesck" sound. Imagine you scratching paper. YEAH! that damnnnnnn frikkin annoying sound. The sound is lovely, wonderful almost if you are making music or if you have an incurable itch you need to scratch, I would like hearing that sound and scratching my skin out if my damn skin was tickling me. But no. If you hear someone like my lovely bro scratching his damn neck of thoughout the night non-stop. I swear it will get on your nerves and you will actually start counting the number of scratches, visualising the damage he is causing himself. I feel sad and annoyed for him so i'll scream, get up and put some cream or whatever on his neck hoping the damn itching will stop but nooooooo. It has to come back almost half an hour later and its back to square one again.

Brother brother. I love you so. but your flaky unbearable habits and skin I cannot bear. I also cannot stand the fact that you sleep so darn early causing me to be unable to keep my clothes in my cupboard, to take out all my clothes and line them in order on the floor, to take out all my hangers and rearrange my cupboard. To throw out the old and put in the new, to unpack my bag, to reshuffle the furniture in my room! to watch heroes late into the night because the light from the computer wakes you up. Also, I may have lived in the UK for 9 months but UK isnt arctic and I live with my heater on full blast spring or not. Whenever I turn the temperature up, he turns it down. My sinus is killing me and my lovely brother is driving me crazy. ARGH! I need my life back bro! I need him out of my room! ARGH!

My brother is scratching again. Im off to put some cream on him! till next time

i lazy to go out lahh!

2007-05-26T00:41:00.000+08:00

After being a total indecisive piece of shit, torn between comfort and pleasure, dilly dallying and being a total wish wash, I finally got my big fat ass out of the house today. Still sleeping to 4 or 5pm, I finally got up and out after walking up and down the stairs subconsciously trying to find excuses for me to stay home.

my hair looks weird. my face is fat. i have no clothes to wear. my arms look big. my back hurts. i am so damn tired. i am still jetlagged. yada yada. the list goes on and disgusted as I am with myself. I hope all these will end this week. I need to meet up with people. I have to stop being such a tortise, finding isolation and comfort in my little empty shell.

I found that old weighing scale today and to my utter horror, im bloody ass fat. yes yes. stop saying that im not because I can see my own fat face, arms and ass in the bloody mirror. I can also read the scales perfectly well thank you so losing weight is priority this summer.

I've also decided to be a total bum this summer and to instead, take driving. horror horror. Hopefully in that 9 months in leeds, i've learnt to multi task and can thus talk and drive at the same time. I dont want the instructor to say "auntie. please look at the road even when you talk" or like "hold the steering wheel! hold the steering wheel" I cant help it if I can't control my hands when I speak. I probably sound like some clown now but i should try harder and put more effort into my driving lessons or else, I would have to say sayonara to driving my mummy's car for another 4-5 years.

sighs! rattling on and on. i'm missing peter petrelli so off i go. till next time!

fridge full of goodies

2007-05-22T22:09:00.000+08:00

Checking in was a blurry haze with mental pictures of opened luggages on the floor of the airport, frantically squeezing stuff from this bag to the other. Then, there was that part where I vaguely remember walking through the scan barefoot on the disgusting carpet and rush-running to the plane because the screen said last call for kl1508 as Asha and I sat happily at the cafe unaware, nibbling choco wafers and sipping the cup of coke.

I remember the jaw-dropping experience as I saw that big tall girl in green looking remotely like the sister of mine. Skinny, tall and grown up. Then the skinny woman I called mom, my very same ol dad and my bro who looked somewhat panda-like. Deoxygenated blood as I was told. Oh well! Hot humid weather. Bedok hawker centre. 50 Kew Drive.

The house looks different. My room so spacious and different. The fridge looks remotely foreign yet I see those candies and sweets I left in it 9 months ago. I opened up the freezer and saw those tubs of frozen yong tau foo soup. Is it really good to be home? I guess I guess. No more independence. No more stacking and stocking up my fridge with my goodies. Every decision now affects everyone. I am now a permanent resident in this house with a four month period of occupancy . Then i'm back to leeds. Another 9-10 months in the cold, colder, fridge to myself, tiny springy gross bed and a toilet all for me me me. Hahaa!

I lost my appetite and local dishes all look ack and eek to me. I long for those yong tau foo days. In a way, maybe long for those chapulung veg + fish finger days too.
It is quite good to be home!

2007-05-17T18:49:00.000+08:00

I feel as if i'm uprooting myself and so all this hype isnt getting to me anymore.

My room is a terrible mess and I wish I could stay so that I wouldnt need to pack. Home. Now i'm wondering. What is home and which is home? I'm in UK most of the year and so it seems as if home is where I spend most of my year at. I'm leaving all my little ikea boxes filled with stationery and stuff behind. I'm leaving my colour pens, my notebooks, my diaries, half of my clothes (i'll buy more in sg), my utensils, plates, wineglasses and quite a big part of me behind.

I grow attatched and fond of things too easily.
Now, the pictures on my wall infront of me, i'm not sure if Im bringing them back to Singapore or leaving them here to put them up again in September. They ought to go with me shouldnt they? But considering how I spend most of my time here, bringing them to and fro is such a big hassel.

All the mental plans I had. They're all gone. Now, I feel like a wandering sheep. No aims, no plans. Weird.

2007-05-16T04:11:00.000+08:00

Forget the fact that there exists that very large possiblity that ive really screwed up my second semester and the exams real bad. I've chosen to live like a bloody annoying body splitting, part multiplying ameba alien thriving on what little hope I have left that the examiners will mark my papers wrongly and give me instead the grades of some bloody genius. Also, I'm hopeful because maybe possibly, i'll be given extra marks for nicer handwriting and simply cuz the marker had a bloody brilliant night + day. *clasp hands* im hoping very hopefully.

Whatever it is, one last paper, I cant seem to get down to work. Im happy skipping around my room thinking about what to pack and what not to pack. What to throw and what not to throw. Oh happy days. I am a weekend plus 2 days away from seeing my cuttttte-so-lovely-and-adorable-sister-who-looks-so-pretty-already, my oh-my-goodness-i'm-so-gonna-hug-his-big-fat-body-till-his-back-breaks-cuz-my-fats-can-rival-his brother and obviously, the two very most important people in my life. Who gave me the wings to fly and whom ive grown to love and adore so much like never ever before parents.

mummy daddy! i lovve you! im coming home! haha!
tell me how how howwww to focus and concentrate!!

2007-05-13T11:05:00.000+08:00

so frustrated, i dont even know what to say or do

2007-05-10T12:12:00.000+08:00

its very tiring smiling when you dont mean it
more exhausting when you try to do something you dislike
but when you want answers you absolutely can not get, the frustration will overwhelm and you would eventually end up lifeless and vacuous.

I am so glazed right now. I see streamers of words and numbers dashing through my brain. So realistic yet so unbelievably taxing. I will not be steamrolled. 10 days! That is all I need to vanquish these inner demons. Actually, I only need 6! The other four is just there for the spring weather and some sun.

hello, we're seeing each other soon =)

2007-05-09T20:39:00.000+08:00

That was really quite annoying.
I couldn't think of specifics a few days ago but now, they're all clearly swimming in my fatigued overwrought brain.

My head is spinning so bad and I dont know why my hands keep shivering. Im also trying to repress the contractions and the shit feeling coming from my tummy. It is almost distracting and very distrubing trying to type and to control so many things at once.

What was with the whole bitch fit you wonder? Like little dandelion seeds dispersed into the wind, it got blown into this big green field. You walk through the field this bright sunny day and one by one you try prying them out annoying you and pissing you off. You tell your friends and they simply laugh with that look of cavity in their eyes. They pick one out but do nothing else and then they carry on laughing and talking about how dandelions annoy them too as you trudge behind still trying to pick that sweater. Is that all you wonder? oh all right, it really doesnt matter. Its just dandelions anyway.

So then you walk into a restaurant with some remnants and someone cracks a joke about how you are always in such situations. Unable to understand these events, they start talking about snowballs and nature and how you are forever so caught up and affected by it. They ruffle feathers, they whisper something into the ears of each others and looking at those shifty eyes, you really wonder who is it against the world? Those plastic smiles that share your conversations and your trust, those vicious mouths that share your chips and cups. Are they really what you think they are?

More often than enough, the ideas and emotions grow so strong. The fondness and affection still a living part of your memory but increasingly, cracks start to appear as you scurry from one corner to the other trying to find and fix the open holes. How long can open wounds last? How long more till you finish mending the cracks? May be you are just tired. Perhaps it really isn't your day.

Sometimes, I feel jokes are more malicious than they seem. Like there really is a hidden agenda and a real motive to hurt intentionally. Because it is a joke, people laugh it off. Silly. Why do they laugh it off sometimes and fail to see. People are complex and never so easy.

2007-05-07T20:34:00.000+08:00

In the midst of all the studying and crankiness, aches, moodswings and what not,
asha picasso van gogh chan , i believe has gone way off tangent.
she, my dear friends claim that shes drawing me!

in all arty farty madness, i am bounded by shackles, stripper-ish like, to a van gogh tree. I've got a pimp leading me and g-string which covers only half my thighs. yeah. g-strings are meant to be worn on thighs. Also, i've got boomerang arms, a joker-ish mouth, 2 and a half buttcheek nose with fingers looking quite similar to my nostrils. These I could no longer figure but I do believe my pliable legs are quite inanimate and oddly disturbing.

If only I could figure out all these artists!

all my five worded crankiness

2007-05-04T18:37:00.000+08:00

nothing much to say really

i am really damn tired
the sun not glaring today
walao, its damn blardi cold
i'm growing fat yet again

balsamic vinegar, wine with steak
sweet and sour fish rice
oyster sauce mushroom gai lan
beef noodles and french toast

gahx! gahx! gahx! gahx! gahx!

I am watching spiderman tonight
next week is reading week
the week after, got exams
during that weekend, go HOME!

WALAO! I REALLY CANNOT WAIT!

2007-05-03T08:17:00.000+08:00

A big THANK YOU for all the calls missed or answered, smses i've yet to reply, tags which ive also not responded to, comments/scribbles on the wall which I have left unanswered. I'll get to it really really very soon! When i'm less distracted and when i've more time on my hands.
Also, the beautiful cards i received, the gifts so precious for me to keep. =) The birthday songs, the candles, the lovely chocolate marks and spenser birthday cake.

I wanted a really simple birthday alone where I could sit and sort out my thoughts but this was more than I ever expected and so I am really very touched. Thank you for the love and care during my yoyo pendulums and for putting up with all that indecisive-ness, frustration, etc etc.

I heard that my Dad got all melodramatic today as he told my Mom how he couldnt believe that I've turned 20. He got all nostalgic and admist the mixed emotions, it kind of made me choke up and realise how special this day really should be. To me, its like another day where nothing different happens. Just changing digits to certain numbers. To my Dad and Mom however, this was the day 20 years ago where they both held me with so much joy and hope for me and my future. In a way, I was my parent's future. Still am as they watch me 'wither' with age. I can't say how thankful I am for their unconditional love. They saw me through my failures and successes and with each step I took, they were there guiding me and cheering me on. I've never really seen all that. I always thought that they had nothing else to do but to challenge me.

Mom, Dad, Thank you for helping me see. I love you immensely. Thank you for opening my eyes and allowing me to enjoy and appreciate everything around me, this significant day.

Thank you Thank you Thank you SO SO much! =)

&^^$^$&£!%*(

2007-05-01T17:33:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so deadened, so jaded and I wish I knew why. I am feeling quite frustrated so annoyed and I wish I knew why. I want to be happy, I want to be excited and most of all, I want to celebrate and be happy about my sad sodden life and the fact that I'm turning a year older. But fact is there and that. The feeling is naught. Really doesn't feel at all like my birthday.

Thinking about it now, I think, I REALLY do not want to celebrate my birthday at all. I am feeling utter shit and I really do not have the mood at all. If that is so, then what is the point of actually celebrating it, or going out for dinner or doing anything of that sort? I do not want to be two faced and act like I am so happy, so thankful and so whee, then smile and look so happy on my birthday, infront of others when I know that I am not, at all. I do not want to put myself through that and call me selfish or what, I know but i dont feel like giving a shit anymore. I do not want to deceive others and I really think its unfair if others feel more excited than me. Making them take the merry-go-round is shit and I dont think I want them to do that.

Fuck, I was thinking, maybe, if i actually celebrate it at home, i'd feel better. But no! I dont want to see anyone. I dont want to celebrate my birthday with anyone. Its just a lousy birthday, Just a day when you officially turn a year older? What is the point. It is, to me, like any other day. Sadly but true. The more I type this, the greater the urge to cancel my birthday shits. I'd feel like that in Singapore too.

I hate this first week of may. its absolute and utter bull. all i want is to lie down in my bed all day, stay in my room and mope. I want to start living in a cave and building a wall with the world around. I feel so shit and so crap. I quite hate this stupid day. Sad to say, I am only able to build walls over here in the UK. So, it is precisely because of this, I'm not looking forward to home. Yaya. Im damn selfish and I'm damn drama.

birthday- smushday

blank. blank. blank! -this isnt deliberate. I really cant think of anything

2007-04-27T05:44:00.000+08:00

24 days.
The days are unbelievably short and i often find myself glancing and checking the computer clock wincing at the incredible 4:32am. I dont remember having time pass so quickly in Singapore. Does the humidity contribute to the dawdling ticking of the clock?

Last I remember, it would take me an hour, sometimes 2, to get through a chapter of work. Here, i'll look up and lo and behold! 4 hours gone! Is the rate of my efficiency declining? Gahx! I'd hate for that to happen!

Speaking of which. I have to cry out loud in pain. "IM DAMN FRIKKIN SIANNNN!" Pity those whom i've been talking to on msn. My outlandish slew of verbal diarrhoea would pretty much revolve around the topic of boredom with the prominent expulsion of "sian, damn sian, frikkin sian, f***ing sian, uber sian, why so sian, sian ji pua, sian like shit, kns. siannn....." I think you should get the drift. Imagine how boring my conversations have become. I am quite a boring person and having all these pointless and unproductive restlessness really takes my sad mundane character up a higher notch to UBER boring.

I pretty much know what i'd like to wish for this year. Be less boring. HA HA! But, I really would love to wish for money but that wouldnt make me more interesting. So, I'd wish for wisdom so that I would be less ignorant and also, to be able to use that in my conversation with others. But. Being wise? Such a tough indicator. How would I wake up the next day to find myself smarter? When I become fully able to break down the fibonacci numbers? Or, if I manage to start speaking in a different tongue? Sheesh. Life sure is tough. Hard to think of wishes to wish, tough to deal with outcomes of wishes. Perhaps, i'm thinking to much. Wait! I'm thinking too much? Impossible for my lack of delight and the empty vessel up there. The saying goes that empty vessels make the most noise. I beg to differ. This empty vessel, hardly makes any noise. So I think anyway.

Back to youtube! It kills boredom!

twentyseven

2007-04-24T00:38:00.000+08:00

Hello there Singapore, another 27 days. =)
Few days back, while wondering what it would be like to be home, happy grins and little spurts of excitement started to get me going as its been an almost unbearable eight months. After having certain phonecalls, it was as if i took a plunge as those happy thoughts of my family and that damn bowl of bar chor me got smacked by the flyswatter i had in my hand.

its tiring. so very tiring to feel as if you're the only one trying. its painful, so very painful to feel like a humiliated court jester. For how long must I wear this cap? Building walls and breaking them down is tough so do you even care knowing how trapped I feel in this agonizing position. To me, this distance is wearing us all thin. Stop those expectations and look at yourself because I really cant bear the sight any longer. Those faces are a memory. Doubt they will ever be the future. This is the breakpoint where we all have to learn to see. To be less assumptious and to actually assimilate the transformations. Ive painfully noticed them here. Have you yet?

These shit aside,
meimei,boyboy,mummy,daddy,sammie,kp,ed,andsomemore..
icantwaittogiveyouallasquishybigfathugggg! =)